The Departure
by KrysSF
Summary: No matter how frustrating or confusing, it is the unexplained that fuels us. And for Fox McCloud, nothing could be closer to the truth.
1. The Journey of a Lifetime!

Chapter 1: The Journey of a Lifetime! What is A Planet?

One FATEFUL day, Team Star Fox was sitting on the bridge of the Great Fox, doing nothing too special. Then all of a sudden, General Pepper's image appeared via a holographic image in the middle of the bridge.

"Team Star Fox, the worst thing ever has happened! The worst thing EVER!" General Pepper screamed, holding a super important looking paper in his hand, which he waved in a manner that matched his crazy screaminess.

"What is it, General?" Fox said, looking and sounding heroic, like always.

Krystal swooned.

"Well!" He paused for no reason, probably just so he could get his old heartbeat back to a reasonable pace, "A Planet is being invaded by space aliens!"

"Gasp!" Said Peppy.

"Oh nooz!" Slippy yelled, still not sure why he was part of a team that went on so many dangerous missions that he never took part in.

"Let me guess," Fox started, his thumb and forefinger contemplatively stroking the hair at the end of his muzzle as he finished in an even voice, "You want us to save A Planet from these aliens."

Krystal swooned again.

Pepper did a little "raise the roof" gesture, "Frick ya! That'd be great, but I'm not paying you 'cause we have to use the money we usually give you schmucks for more important stuff…like paying our researchers to revive Andross every time you defeat him so I can send you out on more missions."

"Ah…so that's how he does it." The captain spoke under his breath, looking totally cool and leaderish, "He really is an evil genius."

Krystal re-swooned.

"In-frickin-deed he is! Now stop talking to yourself and get down to A Planet! The fate of the whole universe is in your hands! …Paws, I mean! There are no humans in this series! They are weaksauce, and animals totally own their faces off!"

"OBJECTION!" Screamed Phoenix Wright, "That statement directly contradicts the evidence, earlier presented by the prosecution! Nintendo has been established as a company comprised of only humans! It has also been established that the entire Star Fox series has been created by said company, which is filled with humans. THEREFORE! Humans are, without a doubt, greater than the animals in question!"

Edgeworth beat his desk in fury, "Nooo! My argument! It's been…BLAST YOU PHOENIX WRIGHT!"

"Ahh! Lawyers!" Slippy screamed, hiding under some random computer like a baby.

"AT ANY RATE!" Pepper yelled, wanted control of the insanity back in his possession, "A Planet needs to be saved, even if humans could do a better job…they do have Kirk after all. Wait, let me try that again." The General cleared his throat, "They…do have…Kirk…after all. Ya, dramatic pauses made Captain Kirk the captain of an entire generation, it's true."

Cutting General Pepper's transmission off, Fox turned to his team, looking confident, "Alright team, we've got our mission. Slippy, plot a course to A Planet. Peppy, go down to the docking bay and prepare the Arwings for launch. Falco, you stand there and say nothing like you have been. And Krystal…you can swoon over me again I guess."

Krystal happily became swoonified.

For several minutes, Fox sat contemplatively at the helm of his ship, wondering just what awaited them on the surface of A Planet. He felt that this, perhaps, could be one of the most challenging missions he and his team had even been sent on. What if they didn't make it back? What if they failed and the whole universe was destroyed?

"That. Would. Suck." Said ROB, the team robot, after reading Fox's mind.

"Yes…" Fox said, as if those words answered all his questions, "It certainly would, wouldn't it?"

The Captain stood from his chair, fist clenched tightly at his side as he spoke in a resolute tone of voice, "I will not let that happen. I will save A Planet, and defend the peace that everyone in this universe deserves!"

"Piece…of pie?" Slippy questioned, his mouth watering.

Fox glanced at Slippy over his shoulder, looking totally cool, and asked, "Slippy…is that what you desire most in life?"

"Oh, gosh yes!"

"Then yes. Fight for what you believe in, and never let up. Then, and only then, will you find what you desire most."

Slippy jumped for joy, "Oh yessss! This is so hi-technical!!!"

_Pumpkin Pie…super fly,_  
_Apple, my, I could die!  
__Orange Meringue, digitty-dang  
__Satisfy my hunger pang!_

_Lemon-Lime, so sublime,  
__Peachy peach, it's all mine!  
__Avacado? Sure, I'd eat  
__Every pie, it is a treat!_

Falco raised an eyebrow as he spoke, "…Did you just sing a song about pie?"

Fox ignored the song and continued acting captainly.

Peppy fell asleep.

Krystal un-swooned three times.

Slippy, now embarrassed from his sudden pie-crazed outburst, said suddenly, "We're at A Planet now!"

The whole team, minus Fox, Falco, Krystal, ROB, and Peppy rushed to the window to see the planet that sat below. It was big and round.

Fox rallied his team on like the big time cool captain dude he was, "Alright team, the time has finally come. Time to show those aliens what we're made of! Everyone, ready your weapons and prepare to disembark!"

Fox and Falco upholstered their blasters and started spinning them around on their hands in a cool fashion. Falco was less cool though, his spinning technique was so unrefined, so forced, so not as cool as Fox. But that's life.

Krystal pulled out her staff, and it was big and looked hurty.

Slippy found a nearby file folder, but he knew he'd just pass out on purpose before the fight or intentionally botch the flight down to the planet so we wouldn't have to do anything, so it didn't matter.

Peppy pulled out a bottle of pills. It was full of laxatives, and no alien alive would want to be face to face with those bad boys. He knew this from experience.

Seeing that his team had been properly equipped, he raised his fist in the air and shouted to his valiant team, "Alright, to the Arwings!"

"Not so fast…I can't let you do that."

A really ominous voice rang throughout the bridge.

"Oh, I see…" Fox started, the tone of voice making it clear that he would not back down from any challenge, "It's a cliffhanger you want, huh? Alright, then you can have it!"


	2. The Mystery is Revealed!

Chapter 2: The Mystery is Revealed! Which Franchise is Stronger?

"Are you still there?" Fox asked after a several day gap in time, "I grow tired of waiting for this cliffhanger to end. Show yourself!"

"Fine then, if that's what you want…look outside the bridge window." Said the mysterious voice.

It was a voice so utterly filled with mystery and scariness that somewhere, somehow, Scooby-Doo jumped into Shaggy's arms and they ran away with a, "Zoinks!" leaving Daphne, Velma, and Fred in a state of utter confusion.

The Star Fox team, however, all looked out to the spot that had been described by the mystery voice, and there, on the nose of the ship stood…a hedgehog.

"My name is Shadow, Shadow the Hedgehog."

There was a pause, none of the Star Fox members seeming to be affected by the mention of this hedgehogs name…that is, except for ROB, who made his way towards the window screaming, "Sega. Enemy. Of. Miyamoto. Must. Destroy. Enemy."

Shadow raised his hand to the side of his head, "Spare me that old argument! Everyone knows that Yuji Naka was a genius, admit it!" It was after he spoke these words that Shadow cast a wicked shiny Chaos Spear attack towards ROB, one that shattered the window and hit the robot directly in the chest.

Shadow smirked, "See, fool? Sega is the ultimate!"

"Miyamoto. Shield. Activated. …Superior. Game. Franchise. Counterattack." ROB spoke these words as Shadow's attack bounced harmlessly away from him. Shortly after that, several sharp game disks fired from all parts of ROB's body.

"Oh no! Zelda, Mario, Metroid! Sega doesn't have to power to dodge all of these franchises! I don't have a chance!" Screamed Shadow, the game disks painfully bouncing off of his fur, followed by a copy of Pokemon Emerald hitting him in the eye.

"Alright…I submit. Please spare Sega…I'll do anything you say."

"Just what I wanted to hear," Fox started, his voice as confident and super fly as ever, despite the fact that the now broken bridge window was sucking everything out of the area, such as Slippy, but Fox just stood there, his unbridled coolness keeping him fastened to the floor. "What can you tell us about the invasion of A Planet?"

Shadow pondered the question for a moment before responding, "Well, A Planet used to be filled with all kinds of happy critters. Actually, people and animals used to live happily with one another, but after a while that whole community idea got screwed over, cause to normal people, animal people are kind of weird."

"I see, so if I got this straight…" Fox scratched his head again with one eye closed, turning a simple motion to signify contemplation into a pose of existential and unsurpassable coolness and manliness.

Krystal immediately swooned super hardcore through the open window and into space.

"The aliens were drawn here because the two separate races were not getting along, leading them to believe that they could easily overthrow the planet and regain critical territory, moving them one step closer to their ultimate goal of complete and utter domination of the universe." The vulpine finished his explanation with a way past cool smirk.

Shadow shook his head, "It's actually the other way around. The aliens came here to create peace between the two races. However, the humans and…animal people beat all the little aliens up and imprisoned them all over the planet."

"Gadzooks!" Exclaimed Peppy.

"Gadzooks is right, old man! I had to stop you before you sided with the animal people of the planet…because they are actually the true enemies, along with the humans. I was sent to this planet as well to free those aliens, and now I see that it may be in our best interests to join forces." Shadow crossed his arms, "What do you say?"

The crowd's shouts were almost an even mix of, "Deal! Deal!" and "No Deal!" But Fox was not about to be swayed by the opinions of the mindless rabble. 230,000 Credits was a lot of money, and he only had three suitcases left. The odds were completely stacked against him. Fox knew that if he chose to decline this offer, he would end up picking the million-dollar suitcase next, and lose most of everything. He could feel it. And so, without a trace of doubt in his mind, he slammed the big red button that sat in front of him while speaking in a voice full of confidence, "Deal."

"Wonderful, then I'll take you down to A Planet now." Reaching behind him, Shadow pulled out a Chaos Emerald, which seemed to come out of nowhere, seeing as how he had no pockets, and his fur definitely was not thick enough to hide something that large within.

Falco sneered, "Talk about pulling something out of your a…"

"Chaos Control!"

Before Falco could say his inappropriate word, a bright yellow light began to develop around Shadow. A bright shiny light that slowly got shinier and bigger until it was so shiny and big that it glowed throughout the whole bridge, and in an instant, the glow faded, and the Star Fox team, as well as the evil Sonic clone, had vanished.

Just after this, Eggman showed up in his little hovercraft thing. Seeing that no one remained in the area, he slammed his fist down on the control panel of his little floaty ship, "Curse you, Shadow! Curse you and all those freaky animal people you were with!"

"We are here to offer ourselves as sacrifices for your defeat, Eggman!" Said Decoe and Bokkun in unison. They knew no one in the universe liked them, not even Chris Thorndyke would accept them, and that was saying a lot, cause Chris was a pansy and would never say no to a potential new friend. He was probably a girl in disguise, maybe, but that's still disputed. Anyway, they pretty much knew they were beyond crap robots, and so did Eggman. His weird orange moustache grew three times that day, and with its ugly power, he pistol-whipped the robots through the broken bridge window.

"Hmm…that was quite fulfilling. I must learn to harness the power of my moustache!"

Not that any of that mattered, however, because the Star Fox team had successfully landed on A Planet.

Using his power of annoying and not able to dieness, Slippy somehow returned from the depths of space and began to break out in song and dance once again, "We're here, we're here. For that I give a cheer! Too bad I am not old enough or I'd open up a beer! What is that, a deer? No need to fear, I'll just jump off the pier! Now I'm in the clear! Hurray, we're here!"

Falco shook his head, "…Did you just sing a song about us getting here?"

"It's ok, he said beer." Peppy chimed in.

"Oh, I forgot. It was decent then."

Slippy cheered again, "Hurray for alcohol fixing everything!"

"Alcohol doesn't fix everything, Slippy…" Fox spoke, a deep purpose in his voice, "I'd like to see it fix all this."

The team looked forward to see a town that had been totally wasted. All the buildings were beaten to crap, the streets were all jacked up, and there was even a shattered Moped on the sidewalk.

"Did someone say Moped?" Screamed Beast Boy from some distance away, but he got caught in a black hole right after saying this and turned into a Digimon. Tough life.

Fox shook his head in disbelief, "I wonder who it was that did this?"

"I was da one dat did dat!"

Fox's head snapped towards the sound of this new voice, ready to beat down any white-trash sucka fool enough to take him on, "I didn't want it to end like this, but you leave me no choice…"

"WAIT!" Slippy screamed before the chapter could end, "What happened to that black emo hedgehog guy that made us go warpy warp to the planet?"

"_I'm dead now, like I should have been after Sonic Adventure 2. I don't care how ultimate of a life form I was. I fell to Earth from space…I couldn't survive. Honestly Naka-san, that was your one fatal flaw."_

"But Shadow…you were the coolest character! Who would have taken your place, Cream?" Yuji Naka said, defensively.

_"Then why did you put me in a situation where it looked like I'd be dead in the first place?"_

"Dramatic effect. If the gameplay has to suck, then SOMETHING has to be good about the game."

_"…Why did I get stuck with Sega, of all companies?"_

"Quiet fool! You're still part of the team, now fulfill your shameless plug duty, NOW!"

Shadow's spirit sighed as he did a little jig, _"…Sega, bringing you all the hit games. …From Sonic the Hedgehog, Sonic 2, 3, Adventure, Adventure 2, Heroes, and Rivals to Monster Island, we've got all your gaming needs covered. So stop by your local game vender and purchase a Sega game today. You won't regret it..."_

"Well done, slave. Now go kill Big the Cat for me."

_"…Yes Master."_


	3. The Fight for Freedom!

Chapter 3: The Fight for Freedom! Is this the True Enemy?

Fox McCloud's eyes dutifully scanned the immediate area, trying to identify the sound of this new voice. But no matter how long he looked or how cool he was while doing it, he could find nothing.

"Ova hea, ya big dummy! I'm standin' right in front'a ya!"

The entire team looked forward to the EXACT spot that was described, but all that stood there was a stupid little Meowth.

Seeing this, Falco quickly ran over to the cat Pokemon and kicked it as hard as he could. As he watched it fly with a painful scream, he raised his arms in victory, "Haha! Chalk one up for the boys back home! Cat got dominated by bird…Wear that!"

Meowth stood up and got all pissed…rightly so, he just got kicked, "What da heck was dat for? Eat dis, ya big stupid boid!"

The cat ran at Falco with its claws fully unsheathed, causing Falco to run away like a baby. "AHH! SOMEONE HELP ME! I'M BEING CHASED BY A CAT! I'M GONNA DIIIE!!"

"Falco…you're like, six feet taller than that thing. Why don't you just kick it again? Or shoot it even, you have your blaster, right? Just kill it…seriously, stop being such a baby." Said Slippy, who was the biggest baby ever. Except no one could ever figure out if Slippy was a girl baby or a boy baby, but no one really cared.

"B-but…" Falco stammered, not caring how much sense Slippy had just made, "It's a CAT!"

Shaking his head, Fox bent over and picked up Meowth by the scruff of the neck, rendering the creature helpless, "What's your story, cat? Pokemon don't talk…especially not with ridiculous New York accents."

"I thought myself English so's I could get in good wit' dis udda goil Meowth, I didn't know I'd come outta dat with dis doiky accent. I'm really from Michigan, so my family, day disowned me, and I got picked up by Team Rocket." Meowth recollected, his accent pissing off everyone in the area, except Fox, cause he's so composed all the time.

"That back story doesn't really interest me," Fox began, bringing Meowth to his eye level, so that the Pokemon could not avoid his stare of death, "Tell me what happened here."

"Yes, do so immediately!" Screamed Krystal, who hasn't talked yet, but she wasn't really acting on her own…she was just doing what Fox was doing, cause she liked to kiss up to him. Actually, that's all she ever did really, so her saying anything is kinda pointless, cause whatever Fox is doing is what she's doing. But she did say something, so it must be fairly noted, although, it is not mandatory that anyone care. The Star Fox team had realized this fact long ago.

Actually, it was because Krystal had said anything that too much time was wasted, and that resulted in Meowth not being able to immediately explain himself, which was maybe for the best, cause no one liked to hear him talk. This was so because just as she had finished speaking, two new voices rang out from a short distance away.

"Prepare for Trouble."

"Make it double."

Meowth meowed for kitty joy, "Yay! Day're hea ta rescue me!"

"…"

"…"

An eerie silence filled the area, one that was soon broken by Slippy, so seemed quite disheartened, "Aren't you guys gonna say your little team  
motto thing? I think it's the coolest!"

"…"

"…"

"Come on!" Begged Slippy, now on his hands and knees, "I'm your guys' biggest fan! You're exploits of constant failure and misery at the hands of your co-workers totally relates to my own life! You guys handle it so well…you're my heroes! Please sing your song!"

"…"

"…"

"I'll do anything to hear it!" Yelled Slippy in desperation, tears forming in his eyes.

"Then join our side…" Jessie began.

"And steal Meowth back for us." James finished.

"I'll do it!"

With those words, Slippy quickly turned and snagged Meowth out of Fox's hand, running over to Jessie and James after doing so. "I did it guys! Can you sing the theme song now!?"

James raised a hand to his face, a hand that expertly hid a Pokeball, "We shant…but you will still become one of us, forever!"

Team Rocket James throws Pokeball!

Alright! Slippy was caught!

Added new Data to Pokedex!

"This frog-like creature is very rare, and can only be found in space. Despite their rarity, no one wants them, because they are totally useless."

Would you like to give a nickname to "Slippy?"

"Yes"

Gay n' Green has been added to your party!

Team Star Fox would like to Double Battle!

Mercenary Fox McCloud sends out Dioxis!

Rival Ash Ketchum sends out Pikachu!

Team Rocket Jessie sends out Meowth!

Team Rocket James sends out Gay n' Green!

Gay n' Green's PATHETIC causes him to cry!

Gay n' Green's HP reduced to 3!

Pikachu uses Quick Attack!

Meowth takes 40 damage!

Meowth uses PayDay!

Team Star Fox wonders why you'd throw money as an attack!

Falco takes 50 damage!

Team Star Fox gains 167 Credits!

Dioxis skips his turn, seeing as how this battle is too stupid for serious Pokemon like him!

Gay n' Green uses Flail!

But nothing happened…

Pikachu uses Thunder!

Meowth takes 400 damage!

Meowth fainted!

Gay n' Green takes 2 damage!

It's not very effective…

Sensing their defeat, Team Rocket Jessie and James spill the beans!

"We came here and beat up on some stupid alien that wasn't a Pokemon, and we put in this cage right here!"

Jessie reveals a cage with an alien inside!

"If you defeat us, you can probably set it free."

Fox McCloud formulates a plan!

Dioxis uses Roar of Time!

It's has no effect on enemy Gay n' Green!

Jessie and James take 1000 damage!

"Looks like we've given ourselves away and are blasting off again!"

Team Star Fox is victorious!

Acquired 1080 Credits!

Found CAGED ALIEN!

"Well," Began Fox, returning Dioxis to his Pokeball with a super cool pose, "That was an interesting exchange."

Krystal swooned onto the cage, breaking it open and letting the little alien dude out.

The alien looked like a Muppet baby, and it kinda freaked out the Star Fox team, as it would any other living creature who looked at it. It just kinda floated there…eerily, staring at all of them with it's shiny black button eyes.

Gay n' Green wet his pants!

Before anyone could comment on either the super freaky alien or Slippy's potty habits, the demon Muppet baby alien zipped off towards space, leaving the Star Fox team to wonder what the heck that even meant.

Did they do what they were supposed to? Was the alien thankful to them for what they had just done? Was the alien really on the good side? Was he going to inform all his alien buddies to come and kill them? Or worse than that, force them all to watch a dubbed episode of One Piece? Or was the alien's quick departure just a ploy to cause the Star Fox team to ask so many questions to themselves that they would eventually forget why they had come to A Planet at all?

"Well it won't work, "Fox said, breaking the torrent of pointless inquiries, "We're off to find more of those aliens. Star Fox team, move out!"

Unbeknownst to our faithful team, however, an evil entity was watching their every step with an evil grin, as most evil people did. You can't very well have a pansy grin on your face and be evil, it just besets the whole idea of being evil, and as such, this person definitely had a very evil smirk. A smirk so evil that just one look at it would make you wanna slap your grandma. Luckily, no one was looking at his grin as he was doing this, so grandmas…you are all safe, for now!

His voice was equally evil, "!Ahahah !Eid lla noos lliw uoy, Xof Rats Maet"

As those words echoes ominously throughout the evil individuals lair, the entity pulled a pickle from a pickle jar, and quickly ate it, finishing with an evilly satisfied sigh, ".Dneirf eurt ylno ruoy si elkcip a that ezilaer uoy od live emoceb uoy retfa ylno s'ti"

What a sad truth that is, evil person. Sad indeed…


	4. Get a Clue!

Chapter 4: Get a Clue! A Fight Among Friends?

Finding reprieve upon a short stump, the valiant Fox McCloud opened a personal log recording within a small device that sat atop his wrist. After a quick sigh that hinted at exhaustion, the captain began his voiced journal entry.

"Captain's Log: Star Fox date, 1234-45.45/78. After having freed the first of what is assumed to be many captured space aliens, my team and I have left the ravaged city and have now arrived in a deep forest. Despite our success, team moral seems to be falling far too quickly…"

"Give me back my pills, you slimy walking pickle!" Peppy yelled, hobbling after a fleeing Slippy Toad, who had the aforementioned prescription within his hands.

"No! Me stealing these pills from an old fart like you proves that I'm a man! I'll finally be accepted by my peers!" Slippy chortled while running like a girl.

Not far away, Falco was busting out sick rhymes while Krystal was beat-boxing for him. It was really terrible stuff, but they both felt pretty thug. Falco even tried to break dance a little bit, but he was too drunk to do anything marginally cool.

"Perhaps another beer is what you require?" Krystal asked of Falco, holding out a bottle of Coors. The source of this magical brew was in a mystical place known as the Rocky Mountains in Colorado, but that was in a different dimension, so no one really cared.

"Ya, that'll…do me good. That'll -hic- do me…REAL good." Mumbled Falco, taking the beer and tossing it into the forest. It was later discovered that a German had found it, but he just spit on it, kicked it under a bush, and went back to his German brews. They went better with sausage.

Seeing all this, Peppy took a deep breath before going into full on Lecture Mode.

"You kids these days have got it all wrong. Pressure from the wrong kids when you were all growing up and the negative images on TV and radio have placed your focus on all the wrong things. Back in my day, it was all about hard work and honesty; that's how you got by from day to day. We didn't get to have fun either, it was actually against my family's religion to have fun at all. I had a pet stick named "Twiggy" and that's about all. Now you kids are all about your "hip" rap music and underage drinking…as well as your constant need to be seen as popular by your peers. "Twiggy" was my only peer, and if I ever did something wrong, he was there to punish me. My yes, that old stick could beat a backside, let me tell you what. That's why we were so close. You all have no guidance like I did. Even the shows you watch growing up are filled with hidden innuendos and hog wash like that. Teletubies? They were all homosexuals. Spongebob and Patrick have a questionable relationship. All those fancy anime's are either bloodbaths blatently promoting violence or getting you youngins to look at pretty girls, what with their shiny eyes and their distasteful outfits. I honestly don't know how this world gets by when these kinds of kids are getting into our job system. It just infuriates an old man like me! Enough to drive me…"

"Peppy! What were those pills supposed to do!?" Screamed Slippy, who seemed to be holding an awkward pose.

"…Oh, my laxatives of course! Why…without those, I doubt I'd be able to…"

Before Peppy could get into the all-too-interesting and obvious purpose of these pills, Slippy ran off deeper into the forest, or…as much of a run as he could manage with his knees so fervently pressed together.

Rubbing his head in confusion, Fox went back to his log, "Despite all this, I remain optimistic. Perhaps a clue as to where the next alien is hidden may reveal itself soon…"

Just as the Star Fox captain said these words, a scream erupted from deep within the forest, "GUYS! COME HERE! I FOUND A CLUE!"

Quickly standing, Fox entered into a very captainly pose, what with his finger pointed heroically towards noise with his chin held high and a smirk upon his face, "Sounds like Slippy found something. Let's move out, team!"

And move out they did, all except Falco, who was rolling around on the ground babbling on about how his mommy never loved him. It was a sad display, to be sure, but the team had learned to ignore it, in the same way their tried to ignore Krystal's accent, Slippy's pre-pubescent mannerisms, and the whole issue of Peppy being an old fart. It was tough, because everyone besides Fox had problems, but they learned to deal with it.

"A CLUE! A CLUE!" Yelled Slippy as he saw his friends approach from the thick thicket that was thickly covering the thick forest floor.

"Oh, a clue! On this…what is this?" Asked Steve in his gay striped shirt.

"A cheese log!" Yelled a random unseen kid.

"Right! A cheese log! You know what that means! Time to get out our handy dandy…"

"NOTEBOOK!" Chimed in Slippy, who had obviously spent far too much time watching Blue's Clues, as most frogs in space did.

"Right, and now we have all three clues! But since I randomly appeared in the middle of a forest, I say screw finding the thinking chair and we'll sort out these puzzles…STANDING UP! So get off your fat butts kids and help me think, dammit!"

Hearing his course language, Nickelodeon dropped Blue's Clues and replaced it with more Spongebob. Plus, the mother of the unseen mystery child slapped him in the face. It was a tough day, but Steve was undeterred.

"So, what would blue want to do with a toilet, your mom, and a cheese log? Hmm…" After thinking for a moment, Steve tossed out one of those joke "I know this isn't the answer but I like to make kids giggle at how retarded I am" answers, "Maybe Blue wants to roll a giant cheese log down a hill into your mom, and knock her into the toilet?"

"NO!" Giggled the mystery child, as well as the Star Fox Team, spare Fox, who was deep in contemplation about the true inner meanings that lay within these silly antics.

Steve shook his head, "No…well, what if your mom…made something with the cheese log? Something you could eat. …Ya, and then when you eat it…what happens after that?"

After a momentary pause, the gang shouted, "You crap!"

Having a light bulb moment, Steve got all excited as he spoke, "Oh…ya! Blue wants your mom to make her a cheese log-flavored Hot Pocket, so she can take a nasty dump later! We just figured out Blue's Clues!"

As Steve busted out into song and dance, General Pepper slapped his desk, "Hot dog! I knew Blue wanted to poo poo! I even just rhymed I was so excited! Without the positive reinforcement I receive on shows like this, Corneria would be nothing but a shriveled wasteland…full of cursed humans!"

"But sir," Began his secretary, who was far less retarded than the General, "Isn't Steve a human?"

Without hesitation, Pepper snapped back, "Of course not, you silly! Steve's gay! It's totally different."

"…Right," Sighed the secretary, knowing that this highly prejudiced slur would offend the masses, but history shows that all leaders have to say something they don't mean to really be leaders, and that was true for General Pepper's rash accusation as well…or was it?

"Stop with your ramblings of political correctness! Blue's about to take that Hot Pocket enhanced doo doo!"

And so she did, into a toilet no less. Pretty good for a dog, who was also blue and fictional. However, the movement of her bowels revealed not a poopy, as one would normally expect, but an…ALIEN!!!!

Having been freed from it's prison, the alien screamed with joy, "Yay."

"So much for screaming with joy…" Muttered Peppy, who was hugging his bottle of laxatives.

Ever the observant one, Krystal spoke to the alien, "You're quite unenthusiastic for a donut."

The donut hovered there for a moment before responding with a super excited voice, "It's because I have no frosting…I'm a plain donut. Not even a cop can enjoy that, so I'm depressed."

Looking up to Fox with innocent eyes, Slippy asked, "Do donuts have feelings?"

Upon assessing the current situation, Fox nodded, but replied rather unsurely, "I suppose so, Slippy."

Slippy, for no real reason, began to cry…and he did that for a few minutes. Pretty standard stuff, but then he finally got around to why he was acting like a baby, "Then…I'm a…a…MURDERER!! I've killed the children of all those mother donuts…killed them by gnawing their sugary heads off and digesting them for countless hours! I just can't go on any…"

Slippy shut up finally when Falco shot him in the head, "Holy crap he's annoying. Good thing I'm totally the best thing that's ever happened to this fricken' galaxy. I mean, come on, if I wasn't here, life would totally suck, right? I'm so awesome…Me me myself I me myself I I not you I'm better you suck me da bomb you da schmuck awesome awesome me me blah blah blah continual self praise…myself I I…"

Falco shut up finally when Peppy shot him in the head, "…"

Krystal shot Peppy before he could be shut upable, "That old bugger have been driving me loony with his elderly rants. But now that the rest of our team has been dealt with, it's just you and me Fox. Doesn't that just sound superfluous?" Approaching Fox with a seductive grin, she continued on, "Just you and me. Can you even imagine all the fun we could have? Why, I can barely contain myself from…"

Fox did the greatest justice of all by putting an end to Krystal's butt kissing. He held a totally cool pose before expertly re-holstering his blaster, "Now that that's over, I'll take one step closer to my final goal by setting free this alien!"

"Not so damn fast!" Yelled Steve, who was now wielding a lightsaber (it was rainbow colored), "You can't take this damn donut away from me! I'm gonna eat the damn thing if it's the last damn thing I ever do!"

"You could shhh-ign thishhh contract inshhh-tead, Shhhh-onny!" Interjected a beaver, who had obviously taken interest in Steve's apparent affinity for dams.

Cutting the creature, the contract, and the cheese log in half, Steve faced Fox with an evil grin. Actually, it was more creepy than evil, but the point of it all is that it wasn't nice.

"Fine then," Fox growled, his hand falling to his side before he tightened his grip on his trusty blaster, "It's a fight to the death over this donut. I promise…this will be quick."

_A fight to the death_  
_To the victor, a donut  
__Ya, this is pointless…_


	5. Attack of the Queers?

Chapter 5: Attack of the Queers? Corny Romance Rules the Day!

With blaster held out at arms length, Fox stared down the gay Jedi Master that stood opposite of him, waiting for him to make the first move. A move that, Fox knew, would also be his last.

Sensing Fox's plan, Steve chuckled, "Listen, you know that if you try and shoot me with that blaster, I'll just bounce it back at you with my lightsaber, right? It's useless to…!"

Mid-monologue, Fox shot Steve.

Twice.

And then one more time because Fox hated gay Jedi's.

'Damn you!" Shouted Steve, who was now pretty much crippled beyond recovery, "I shall have your head on a plate! A plate with crazy hot Mexican pepper sauce! Then when I put your bloody head on that same plate, your face will melt off and become the dip into which I will dunk my Frito Scoops! Then I will take that chip with the remnants of your head and devour it! I will then ensue to bite hard on the chip several times to make my hatred towards you so very clear before swallowing you and…"

"That's enough!" Yelled Fox as he shot Steve repeatedly in the head until he fell to the ground, "Your plan sounded decent enough, but I will refuse to let a gay like you swallow me. Now then…I shall free that donut."

"Not so fast!" Screamed to ghost of Steve, who floated above the bloody gay body of himself. "I won't let you off so easily! It's time for my most vicious and relentless attack! SUPER FIST OF GAY! "

"What the heck?" Was all that Fox could say before several new bodies appeared around Steve's corpse. They were all men, and each wore cloths that seemed to match perfectly.

"A little too perfectly," Thought Fox aloud. "No man alive could dress himself that well on his own. Either their mommy's still lay out their cloths for them, or they're…'

"Flaming homosexuals!" Cackled Steve. "I may be dead, but soon, you'll turn to the gay side of the force! Do not resist my minion's advances. Maybe at first it will seem awkward, and you will not come to grips with the newfound feelings that you may be having, but in time, you will except what you are. Such is the way of things on the gay side."

Fox's eyes opened wide with horror, "Oh god, you have to be joking me. I'm gonna be attacked by a bunch of gays?"

Steve's ghost smirked, "Oh no, that would be far too merciful. But I suppose you'll find out what exactly is in store for you soon enough."

Right after Steve said these words, his body dissolved into the ground, leaving the confused and disturbed Fox McCloud alone with several gays…all of whom were skipping towards him.

"Hey guys, look at that super cute kitty over there!" Squealed one of the prancing homos.

"Oh jeez, I just want to eat him up!"

"Dear god," was all Fox could manage before aimed a fired his blaster at their lispy-speeched asses. With strange inaccuracy, he only landed one hit out of a handful, and even then the laser bolt merely absorbed into the body of the queer, inspiring a silly giggle from him.

"You're a sassy little kitty, aren't you?" Spoke the one who had been hit, "We'll just have to do something about that attitude of yours..."

"…What?" Gasped Fox, as he suddenly found himself strapped into a chair in a barbershop. Finding that he could not move because of several restraints that had been places on his arms and legs, he yelled out angrily, "What are you doing to me! How did this happen!"

Popping in out of nowhere, one of the men appeared behind him with a pair of scissors and a comb in hand, "Just relax. You're going to look so fabulous after I'm done with your hair."

"I don't want my hair cut, " Fox said simply, seeing that there was no escape.

Playing with the fur on Fox's head with his hands, the gay gently retorted, "Oh, but I do."

"Stop touching me please…" Fox stated plainly.

Apparently too caught up in Fox's fur, he merely responded, "Fine then…"

In a flash…a furious flash…a furious flash of flying fur so fortuitously formalized, Fox's formally flat and flaccid follicles formed firmly into a faux-hawk.

Still in a daze from the expertly crafted alliteration, Fox shook his head and closed his eyes as he saw his new hairstyle, "I look like Ryan Seacrest…"

"And he's hot, isn't he? You must think so too, since you know who he is."

"No," Fox explained, "Falco locks us all in a room together and forces us to watch American Idol with him, while he sings along to all the songs. He's as queer as you sometimes. Although… I do usually stick around and watch House after that crap parade of a show is over, though."

"Jesus," proclaimed the now frustrated gay, "You're just too straight for me. I'm sending you to another one of Steve's friends, maybe they can do something with you, you nasty, nasty kitty."

"Crisis Averted…" Began Fox, before he found himself reverted into a crisis.

He now suddenly found himself standing in a very spacious closet with all the men's clothes you could possibly want.

And there was one of the gay guys standing right next to him, who shouted, "We are going to make you look so handsome in some new clothes!"

Startled by the creepy lispy voice right in his ear hole, he jumped back, unfortunately, right in line with a nice, full-length mirror. What he saw there was worse than any Aparoid. He was wearing a predominantly black shirt with small white stripes, along a pair of very nice white pants, which were both accented expertly with a pink tie, held around his neck.

The queer commented thoughtfully, "It's a little emo, I think, but soooo much better than that icky flight jacket."

Fox closed his eyes in shame as the image burned into his head. There was a reason he never changed out of his flight jacket, and it was mostly to avoid ever having the slightest chance of accidentally coming close to remotely wearing something that bore even the smallest resemblance to what he was wearing right now.

_But it is kind of comfortable…and I never realized strips would make me look so…_

"…Holy Crap." Was all Fox could mutter.

Was I just…liking the way I looked in these clothes?

"Yes, oh yes you diiiid!" Sang out the psychic homosexual. "You're beginning to see that there are some good things about our side! Won't you give us a try? I could be fuuuun."

Fox struggled with his response, "No! I won't ever…wear an icky flight jac…! Just shut up, you! I won't…sport this flattering tie around Corneria. I mean! I…I…"

"What's a gay?" Asked the spirit of Slippy, who was watching the scene play out on a spirit TV from the spirit area that sat above the galaxy.

"It's when a guy bangs another guy," Falco explained flatly, while continuing to eat his bowl of Star Fox: The Cereal!

Slippy nodded, "Oh…so if a guy and another guy start shooting blasters and smart bombs at each other, then they're gay, right?"

Falco shrugged his shoulders, admiring the blueberry sweetness of a marshmallow piece in his own likeness.

Slippy continued, "Then that means we're all gay too, right?"

"Hey Krystal, can spirits kill other spirits!?" Yelled Falco across the endless plane of death.

"Sorry Falco, we're all already dead. You can't do that." Shouted back Krystal from her room, where she was busily drawing fan art of Fox McCloud. She had set up an account on DeviantArt a while ago, but she didn't get many comments on her stories, so she decided to draw. She, however, had never passed first grade art. Coloring inside the lines was hard for her.

"Fine, fine. We can't kill anyone, but we can eat cereal. It all makes perfect sense…"

Falco was confused even further as an uncharacteristically well-dressed Fox McCloud suddenly appeared in the place of dead animals, followed by several obviously queer males. The bird looked up from his cereal, not really caring anymore that nothing made sense, and nodded, "Hey Fox."

At this Fox winked at him with a silly giggle. Right after this, he turned to his homo buddies and spoke in a quiet, giddy voice, "He's like, sooo cute, right? What should I do? I'm like, totally nervous you guys."

The lisp was evident, the girlish giggling was obvious, but Falco, again, was not surprised. He scooped up a red, cherry flavored Andross marshmallow and bit it's head off as he grunted, "Meh, I saw this coming. Fox never talked to girls, now I know why."

Meanwhile, Krystal was picking up strange brain waves. She was immediately able to detect them, as her own brain waves had stopped several years ago.

_I'm…not…gay! I…have to stop!_

Krystal stopped drawing at looked down at the badly misshapen and almost unrecognizable figure of Fox that stared back at her from her notebook. "Fox is that you?" She picked up the piece of paper and held it to her ear, "It's ok, you can tell me anything!"

…_Krystal, that's it! I may not like it but…it's the only way out of this!_

Krystal's ears perked up as she heard her own name. She shook the paper slightly, as if to get the drawing's attention, "I'm right here Fox! I'll help you!"

The inanimate object, surprisingly, did not speak back.

Reverting into full-on crazy obsessed Fox McCloud fan girl n00b mode, she started screaming at the paper, "OMG, tel me waht u ned plz! ur so hawt Fox! U rox0rz! talk to meh plz!!1!!1."

As opposed to her previous futile cries of fan girliness, she was finally given an answer, but it was not from the piece of paper. Instead she was unexpectedly spun around in the spirit chair she was sitting in and hoisted to her feet. Once she was finally able to realize she was now standing, which took several minutes, she found herself face to face with an absurdly well-dressed, manicured, and good smelling Fox McCloud.

For a moment, they stared into each other's eyes, neither wavering as they momentarily lost themselves in them. It was a moment they had both been longing for…a rushed romance scene.

Fox and Krystal closed their eyes as they kissed each other on the lips.

"Oh gosh," thought krystal, "I've waited so long for this. I love him so much I wonder if he feels the same way.

Fox was thinking too "This is the best thing in my whole life. Ever sence I saw he in that crystal on dino planet ive knew I loved her, but I don't know if she feels the same way."

The kiss went on for several minutes before they stopped.

Fox looked at krystal and said "I love you krys

She smile, "I love you to fox, forever.

Now they went to Corneria and got married in front of everyone. It was a day that went down in history. Krystal and fox loved each other forever and stayed on the same team Star Fox and saved the galaxy.

Seeing that Fox was apparently no longer gay, the few homosexuals that had accompanied Fox to the realm of dead animals spontaneously combusted, which effectively and conveniently neutralized their threat.

The other three members of Star Fox, however, were watching the whole scene in amazement. Not so much for the fact that Fox and Krystal kissed or got married, but for other reasons as stated by Slippy Toad, "Wow, people actually post stories that corny and bad? There were so many typos, missed punctuations, and incorrectly used verb tenses. Do humans even go to school anymore?"

"Fox! …You're Father would be proud!" shouted Peppy, who had not spoken for the entire chapter. To compensate for this, he decided to yell something that really held no sort of relevant to the plot line; he just wanted some face time. That, or he was slowly, and not so fluently, growing senile.

Fox shook his head, now speaking once again in his cool, leaderly, and not homosexual voice, "Sorry Peppy, but we're not married. It was just part of my plan to rid the world from Steve's undead army of queers."

Krystal swooned at first, and then gasped, "You! You…used me! I thought we were meant for each other, but now I know it will never work out, Fox McCloud. I'm filling…for…DIVORCE!!"

The Star Fox captain shook his head as everyone was transported back to the normal world, quickly freeing the captive, and relatively forgotten, donut in some heroic way before he spoke back with a look of determination, "Then so be it. This is sure to be the toughest battle of my life…" Turning to his team, he finished in an undeniably cool voice, "But I know I'll get though this with the help of my friends."

"Hurray for good morals!!" Shouted every character in an animated children's show.

Fox's eyes opened wide as he saw that his team had gathered around Krystal instead, comforting her as she cried among them. Looking up, Falco spoke back, "Actually Fox, we're on Krystal's side. You were a jerk to her. I would know, cause I'm a jerk, and even I could see you were being a jerk, you jerk."

"YAAAA!" Shouted Slippy arbitrarily.

Fox lowered his head, "Fine then, if that's how it has to be…then I will go it alone." At these words, he turned and walked away, silently dreading the day that was to come. Never before had he been faced with such a great foe, but he knew that after this trial, he would be even stronger than before. With a determined smile, he walked into the sunset, ready to face any challenge that should cross his path.

"Why do they always walk into the sunset?" Wondered Slippy, as he read the script.

"Because they can." Answered the sun.

Slippy nodded, "Oh ya."


End file.
